Coping with A Loss? Here's Your Bill of Rights. | Grief

Posted on February 15, 2012 by Marnee Reiley

When discussing bereavement and loss with colleagues the other day, I learned of a Bill of Rights for those in grief.  I thought that it was a wonderful way to give ourselves “permission” to grieve and to acknowledge our feelings in times of loss, be it from a death or another loss such as divorce, illness, or other life transition.  I share it here with you in the hopes that you’ll find it meaningful as well.  Is there anything you would add to it?  I invite you to add your comments below.

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD
Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Ft. Collins, Colorado

  1. Experience your own unique grief.  No one will grieve the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t let them tell you how you should be feeling.
  2. Talk about your grief.  Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will let you talk as much as you want, as often as you want.
  3. Feel a multitude of emotions.  You will feel many emotions during your grief journey. Some may tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
  4. Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.  Your feelings of loss and sadness can fatigue you. Respect what your body and mind tell you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into activities you’re not ready for.
  5. Experience grief “attacks”.  Sometimes, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
  6. Make use of ritual.  Rituals do more than acknowledge the death of someone. They provide you with support from caring people, as well as a way to mourn.
  7. Embrace your spirituality.  If faith is a part of your life, express it. Be with people who understand and support your religious beliefs.
  8. Search for meaning.  You may ask, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some questions may have answers, others don’t. Watch for clichéd responses people may give you, like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for”. These sentiments are not helpful, and you do not have to agree with them.
  9. Treasure your memories.  Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a loved one. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
  10. Move toward your grief and heal.  Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient with you. Neither you nor those around you should forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

If you are looking for additional support at this time of loss, please reach out to me at 949-222-6681 to schedule an appointment.

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Three Tips to Avoid Caregiver Burnout by Marnee Reiley

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Marnee Reiley

If you are a caregiver to a family member, let me start off by acknowledging how difficult it can be and how much energy you must be expending just to get yourself and your loved one through the day. While it may be a lonely endeavor, you are actually, not alone. According to a 2009 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP, more than 65 million people, 29% of the U.S. population, provide care for a chronically ill, disabled or aged family member or friend during any given year and spend an average of 20 hours per week providing care for their loved one.

The role of caregiver is often not one that we choose, but is often thrust upon us by circumstance. We are often not prepared for what caregiving entails, and this can lead to feelings of overwhelm and depression.

While there are no easy answers or simple solutions, here are three ways to take care of yourself while taking care of another.

1. Enlist social support.

Asking for help can feel vulnerable. After all, we want to feel like we can handle it all. But going it alone can quickly lead to burnout. Ask friends, family members, and your community for help, and be specific. Depending on the person you’re asking, you might need emotional support, practical assistance such as help picking up prescriptions, caregiving respite, or help gathering information such as local caregiver resources. Keep in mind that others generally feel good about helping and will welcome being given concrete things they can do to support you.

2. Enhance your problem-solving skills.

Research shows that if a caregiver considers him or herself an effective problem-solver, they have a higher level of confidence in their ability to handle issues and complications that might arise; they also have increased ability to monitor their reactions and stress levels. This increase in confidence is linked to caregiver well-being and a decrease in depression. You can increase your problem-solving skills by establishing more streamlined routines and by sharing information with other caregivers.

3. Make time for yourself

Not neglecting your own needs might be the hardest of these suggestions to follow through on. Feelings of guilt are common, and it may seem like there isn’t time in the day. Without taking care of ourselves, however, we have nothing left to give others and we end up harming our own health. Identify what recharges you and make sure you make the time for it on a regular basis. Maybe it’s a yoga class, coffee with a friend, a few hours out of the house. Honor yourself by making your needs a priority.

Is there something that you’ve tried that has worked to decrease caregiver stress? Anything that you’d caution others to avoid? Please add your voice to the conversation by adding a comment to this blog.

If you are a caregiver who would like to find greater balance in your life, call me at 949-222-6681 or email me at YourOCTherapist@gmail.com for an appointment.

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Valor: Find Your Inner Strength

Posted on January 15, 2012 by roserigole

Find your inner strengthMany of my posts emphasize the need for courage to grow as a person: courage to communicate directly with your mate; courage to acknowledge your weaknesses; courage to experience emotions you are afraid of…  But I think I have a better word:  Valor.

We all have a sense of what valor means.  For me, it brings up an image of a firefighter rushing into a burning building to save a child – doing what he knows is right, regardless of the consequences.  It is an image of someone with tremendous strength – not by virtue of skills and muscles, but from rightness of purpose.  Merriam-Webster.com gives the following definition:

Valor: Strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness: personal bravery

Valor is a courage from the deepest part of us.  It does not come from reason alone or what someone else tells us to do.  It is a courage that comes from that part of us that is constant – from that part of us that knows who we are and stands for something that can’t be denied.  Tapping into this part of us can be a source of immense strength, wisdom, and growth.

We all have that strong core, but are we acquainted with it?  Do we tap into it?  Do we trust it enough to rely on it? Are we afraid that we might mess up our dysfunctional lives if we start standing for something?  Think about these questions for a moment.

Step 1: Get (re)acquainted

As a first step to getting acquainted or re-acquainted with that strong core, discover the answers to these questions inside of you:

What do I value most in this life?

Who am I, in my best self?

Resist the temptation to decide the answers to these questions.  The answers should come from your gut – not your brain.  Take as long as you need to.  The answers will come.

When they do, feel free to share them in the “comments” section.  I would love to hear from you.

Later steps to follow…

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I Just Can't Get Over It! How EMDR can help. By Rose Rigole

Posted on January 6, 2012 by roserigole

Are you chained to your past?  Is there a traumatic memory, relationship, or series of experiences in your past you just can’t “get over”? Are you overreacting to things in the present that remind you of these past experiences?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a revolutionary therapeutic method that has had tremendous success targeting these old experiences, taking the sting out of them, and allowing us to see our past and present in a more accurate, integrated way. You can think of it as cutting the chains that bind you to unhealthy, unprocessed memories in your past by processing and integrating them into the rest of your memories.

EMDR has been shown in numerous studies to be a highly effective treatment for anxiety, depression, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and for improving general psychological functioning.

This is generally how it works:

When we have an experience, it is first encoded in a fairly primitive part of our brains with much of the original affect and sensation.  As our brain processes these memories through sleep and time, these short-term memories normally get integrated into the more sophisticated part of our brains to become long-term memories and what we can think of as knowledge.

Sometimes, though, experiences can get trapped in the primitive parts of our brains and when we try to call them up, we feel a visceral pain. Sometimes, we can even feel as if we are experiencing it again – even if it happened many years ago.  Even unrelated events in our current life can trigger these memories and cause us to re-experience that old pain, which may jeopardize our relationships, safety, jobs, and definitely our well-being.

EMDR works by stimulating alternating sides of our brains while we are pulling up old memories.  This bilateral stimulation allows the memories not only to be recalled, but to be integrated into the rest of our knowledge base.  Memories that were once intensely disturbing to recall may eventually be brought up with ease.  More importantly, events in our current life that used to remind us of those memories can be experienced for what they are – not for what that old pain told us they were.

Here is a news report on a Santa Monica man’s experience with EMDR:

Results can be profound for clients like Steven, who have suffered one or more major, life-threatening traumas and have symptoms of PTSD.  EMDR can also be effective, however, in processing less intense traumatic experiences, such as a difficult relationship with a parent during childhood, the pain of a divorce, or even a memory of being laughed at as a child.

As an EMDR-trained therapist, I have the opportunity to witness the power of this technique on a regular basis, and I have seen tremendous healing take place – healing that goes beyond simply knowing where the pain is coming from – but rather dissolving the pain so it stops dictating your actions and experiences.  EMDR can be used on its own or as an adjunct to your current talk therapy.  To find out more or to schedule a session, please feel free to contact me at 424-571-2273.

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Mental Health for the Holidays by Marnee Reiley

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Marnee Reiley

On December 13th I was interviewed on Broad Topics Radio Show (www.broadtopicsradio.com) about tips for staying mentally healthy over the holidays.  The fabulous hots and I covered a lot but, due to time constraints, some key points didn’t make it on the show.  Read on for more suggestions about how to thrive over the holidays:

Family traditions can be comforting.  They are something that we can count on that gives us a sense of place, of security.  Family dynamics or external circumstances can change, however, and we can outgrow these traditions.  So-called “entrances and exits,” such as divorce, the birth of a baby, marriage, or a loved-one’s death, alter family dynamics.  Financial constraints due to job loss or a hike in the cost of plane tickets home also might force us to take a look at our traditions and see what needs changing.

Examining our traditions to decide on their appropriateness to our current family system can be scary.  Some people have a hard time with change.  However, sticking with outmoded traditions can put pressure and stress on us, taking away from our enjoyment of the holidays.

Here are some things to consider:

1.  To Bake or Not to Bake
Is spending a whole day baking Christmas cookies something you look forward to?  If the answer is yes, fantastic.  Do it.  If you feel your blood pressure rising at the thought, how about skipping it this year?

2.  The Feast
Along the same lines as the cookies, do you really enjoy making the whole holiday dinner?  If not, you’re in luck.  There are many options such as organizing a potluck, ordering a pre-made meal from a grocery store, or even grabbing the family and heading to a restaurant to celebrate, budget-allowing.

3.  Gifts
Speaking of budgets, how much are you comfortable spending on holiday gifts?  If you don’t feel that you can afford to give a present to everyone in your family and circle of friends, what about just shopping for the kids?  Or, picking “Secret Santas” and just buying for one person?  Some families have chosen to “take back” Christmas from its current focus on commercialism and not exchange gifts at all.

4.  Making Memories
A family-focused activity can be a rich and rewarding way to spend time over the holidays.  Getting off the couch to head outside for some exercise (ie: snowshoeing, hiking, ice skating) can decrease stress levels and foster family bonds.

Other traditions to examine are how much to decorate and whether or not to send out holiday cards.  Again, if you love the traditions that you and your family engages in, enjoy them fully!  If you find stress creeping in at the thought of them, though, consider why you are still doing them.  Decreasing stress and ceasing engaging in unrewarding activities just because “that’s the way we’ve always done it in my family” can truly lighten your load and make your holiday more fulfilling.

(To hear my interview on Broad Topics Radio click here and download the 12/14/11 podcast.)

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Couples: Ramp Up Those Communication Skills! by Marnee Reiley

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Marnee Reiley

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The number one complaint I hear from couples coming for counseling is this: “We are having problems communicating.”  We need to remember that we all come from different backgrounds, cultures, and families and that these differences shape our communication styles and the way we take in information from others.  Unless we’re conscious of this fact, our ability to understand and be understood by our partner could be compromised.  Here is a technique for you and your partner to practice to improve your communication.

1.    Listen actively and patiently.  Listening is a lost art.  Often, when we’re in a conversation, we’re planning ahead to our next comment rather than truly hearing the other person.  If you find your mind jumping ahead to craft a response, hold that thought.  Truly allow yourself to focus on what your partner is trying to convey.

2.    Ask clarifying questions.  Sometimes we can make assumptions about what our partner means, filtered through the lens of our own feelings, thoughts and emotions.  We all know what trouble we can get into by assuming.  If you’re not 100% clear on what your partner is saying, ask.  You’ll not only learn something new about your partner’s way of thinking, but you’ll also show that you’re interested, present, and listening.

3.    Confirm your understanding of what your partner has relayed.  Once you think that you have a handle on your partner’s message, repeat it back to them in your words to double check that you have it right.  You’d be surprised at how often there’s something that needs to be clarified to get your partner’s meaning crystal clear.

4.    Decrease your defensiveness.  This is the toughest part.  When our partner is expressing something that we don’t agree with, it can raise up our defenses, and fast.  Recognize this tendency and work to put down that shield.  Then, go back to active listening, asking clarifying questions, and confirming your understanding of your partner’s point of view.  Validating your partner’s reality does not mean that you are agreeing with them, but it can go a long way to bridging the communication gap.

While this technique is essential for building strong communication skills with an intimate partner, it is also highly effective in relationships with family members, friends and co-workers.  Give it a try this week and see the positive effect it has on your relationships.

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Four Suggestions for Coping with Divorce by Marnee Reiley

Posted on November 2, 2011 by Marnee Reiley

When we commit to being with another person, be it my marriage, having children, or another type of ceremony, we expect to be together forever.  Unfortunately, half of all  marriages in the United States end in divorce.  If you are going through this painful life transition, there are steps that you can take to make the process a little easier.

Prioritize self-care.  Divorce and separation are difficult losses and create great amounts of stress on your body and mind.  Schedule daily exercise, eat well, and get plenty of sleep to keep yourself healthy.

Be patient with your friends.  With divorce and separation, friendships are altered.  Some friends feel that they need to “pick a side” of the couple.  Try to tap into your patience and empathy…your breakup is likely tough on your friends as well.

Protect your kids.  If you and your partner have children together, do your best to decrease their exposure to your conflict.  Watch your language when speaking of your ex so that your kids don’t hear hurtful and damaging messages about the other parent.

Seek support.  Connect with others who can relate to what you’re going through.  Make sure to find positive, uplifting people who can shore you up through this transition.  Support groups and individual counseling or therapy can be other places to find help.

Divorce and separation are often rife with difficult emotions.  This list of suggestions, while not comprehensive, is a place to start.  For more in-depth help with grieving the separation, please call me at 949-222-6681 or email YourOCTherapist@gmail.com.

Posted in counseling, Grief and Loss, Parent Alienation, Parenting, Relationship Info, Stress | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

The Gift of Yard Work by Marnee Reiley

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Marnee Reiley

I am currently feeling quite a bit of gratitude for the modest verdant space that I call a yard.  To some, it might seem a chore to have to weed, mow, and clip.  Just another job to get done with as quickly as possible so that you can get back to the business of enjoying your weekend.  Instead of seeing the work as a burden, however, what about reframing your perspective?  Is it possible for you to view your yard work as an opportunity for your own personal practice in mindfulness?  A do-it-yourself therapy session?  If you are able to shift your thinking, you might find yourself looking forward to the chance to prune branches, trim hedges and water the hydrangeas.

There is something about kneeling down on the ground to trim the edge of the lawn that can focus the mind so intently on the task at hand.  What a peaceful and meditative feeling to be so absorbed in a particular activity that all else falls by the wayside.  Out in the fresh air, take notice of what is around you.  Can you hear birds chirping in the tree overhead?  Do you see the tiny community of bugs living underneath that leaf that you just raked?  Are you able to recognize the nuanced shades of color in a flower’s petal?  Do you appreciate the feeling in your body at the physical exertion required to push that mower over and through the blades of grass?  How does it feel to run damp soil through your fingers or to walk barefoot on the earth?  The act of bringing our attention to the present moment reminds us that the only way we can truly experience the richness of life is in the here and now.

We can choose to be fully present in the moment, all five senses alert, while tending to the yard work.  However, it can also serve to connect us to the past.  Does the act of pulling weeds today conjure up memories of the smell of freshly-cut grass in the neighborhood park where you played as a child?  Do you remember your favorite aunt’s vegetable garden and the way it smelled when you went to visit her in the summer?  What about the lone fig tree in your grandparents’ yard, whose ripe fruit were canned for homemade jam and enjoyed throughout the year?  By engaging in the work of gardening in the present, we are aligning ourselves with a human tradition and creating a link to our heritage.  Maybe you grew up surrounded by concrete, with green spaces few and far between, but relished the school field trip to local botanical garden.  We usually don’t have to look too far to find our personal connections to nature.

So, the next time you peer outside of your window and notice that the lawn needs mowing and the tomatoes look like they could use some plant food, don’t get discouraged.  Think of it as a fabulous opportunity to practice mindfulness and connect to your past.  It’s the gift of yard work!

 

Posted in Meditation, Stress | Tagged | 11 Comments

Stay Calm When Stress or Emotions are Overwhelming: A Quick Mindfulness Trick by Rose Rigole

Posted on September 28, 2011 by roserigole

Overwhelming emotions, such as anger, fear, sadness, worry, stress, and regret, can be debilitating. The more we feel, the fewer resources we seem to have to get back to our centered self. Our natural reaction is usually to try to push these feelings away. When we can’t, our anxiety increases even more. We might even be in the middle of the stressful situation, which is getting worse by the minute because we cannot manage the stress we currently have. So what can we do?

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and breathing exercises, can help. When you are in the middle of it, try this simple breathing exercise:

1. When you inhale, allow yourself to feel the emotion you are trying to “get over”… but only for as long as the inhale takes.

2. When you exhale, imagine sending yourself unconditional love, compassion, joy, and peace… but only for as long as the exhale takes.

3. Repeat the above for each inhale and exhale.

Allowing yourself to notice your experience is central to mindfulness techniques. Surprisingly, trying to push the emotion away sometimes causes it to come back much stronger. Allowing yourself to feel the emotion in a controlled manner helps you process the emotion and frees up your other resources that were trying to suppress it. You might actually find that feeling this painful emotion in small doses feels good. Our pain wants to be acknowledged. It may be justified. It may actually teach us something or give us the energy to make difficult changes in our lives.

The exhales can feel like heaven when we are in the midst of painful emotions. We find that we are able to send ourselves the healing energy that we are craving, rather than needing this only from other people. Although the exercise includes sending yourself unconditional love, compassion, joy, and peace, sometimes one of these will resonate with what you are needing more than others. Feel free to focus on that in your exhales. This may teach you something about where the painful emotions are coming from.

The exhales may feel so good that you are tempted to stay on this step for inhales and exhales… but don’t! Give your pain its due on the inhale, and then come back to this step on the next exhale. You may find that those negative feelings are not as smothering as they seemed, even when they are still coming.

This quick technique can be a great way to quickly regain your cool in most situations. However, if you find yourself continuing to spiral out of control, feeling depressed, panicked, violent, etc., or if your overwhelming emotions seem to be more chronic than intermittent, I encourage you to seek help with a trained professional. Therapists and psychiatrists are trained in effective treatments for depression, anxiety, anger management, past trauma, etc. that cannot be self-administered. If you are interested in making an appointment to meet with me and discuss your particular path, I would be happy to talk with you. Please feel free to contact me at 424-571-2273 or rose@counselingsocal.com.

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, counseling, Depression, Grief and Loss, Meditation, Stress | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Accessing the Wise by Nancy DeVore | wisdom

Posted on September 27, 2011 by nandevore

Where is wisdom?
You might shake your head at someone’s poor decision-making and say, “Where’s the wisdom in that?” Society is great at showing us our mistakes and pointing them out. As part of the human race we often follow suit without thinking. Positive Psychology, the science of happiness, looks at what is right with people rather than what is wrong with people. Through that lens, why would we hang our ability to possess and use wisdom based on a picture of “some have it and some never will?”  Taking a closer look, you may find that wisdom has many dimensions of which you have access. Access to build your relationships, wealth, and life enjoyment. Want to know more?

Wise Guys
You might be thinking that only older adults with enough life experience or spiritual practice can be labeled as “wise.” Research by Paul B. Baltes at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin during the 1980’s has helped to change our minds about wisdom and who has it. Baltes’ work with the Berlin Wisdom Project defines wisdom as “excellence in mind and virtue.” What emerged from the research on wisdom were five categories of expert knowledge. These included 1) strategic knowledge on practical life, 2) factual knowledge about practical life, 3) knowledge about how the contexts of life change over time, 4) knowledge about the nature of values and goals, and 5) knowledge about the relative uncertainties of life and how to navigate them. Using this five-part definition, wisdom is everywhere throughout life.

One way to start increasing your wisdom is to get the practical side of your life streamlined. This includes your home, communication technology, transportation, food, and clothing. The practical side is in how you maintain them. What one thing could you do in the coming week to be more conscious about maintaining these areas?

The last three categories explain that life will change and that you can evolve without giving up on who you really are. In other words, you can accommodate life’s changes and still be authentic. Consider what changes you are experiencing in your life right now and see how you could envision yourself maintaining your true authentic self while being willing to participate in what is changing around you. Not sure about how to find your authentic “self?” Sign up for a webinar with Nancy DeVore called “Your Authentic Self: Simple Steps to Handle Change.”

Wisdom is Young
We often identify wisdom as something that older people have. Wisdom has to at least be found in people with enough life experience to become wise right? Not really! Research from the Berlin Research Project by Paul B. Baltes has confirmed that wisdom-related knowledge surfaces from late adolescence to young adulthood. Folklore may explain that wisdom and youth do not go hand-in-hand but Baltes’ research describes that measurable attributes of wisdom are present in early adult life. There are people all around us that have much to teach us about the secrets of life. Specifically, we can learn a great deal from younger adults and for good reason. They have much to teach us about wisdom. Are you between the ages of 18 and 25? Do you know someone that age? Are you or someone you know struggling with being heard and recognized? For information on how to breakthrough and envision your life in new ways, contact Nancy DeVore at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services 949-300-9958, ndevorepsych@gmail.com.

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