Willingness to change. By Nikki Harris, MFTI

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Nikki Harris

Willingness to change. How willing are you to change? To change your schedule, your routine, your diet, your job, your relationships, yourself?

Changing a schedule is not that difficult, we just need to drive a different way at a different time, no big deal. We adjust in a matter of a few days, usually.

When the Doctor says you need to change your diet or take medication, we usually are willing to do that, even if it’s a bit of hassle. Again, we adjust.

Now, relationships, this is where things get tricky. How much emotional pain can you live with and for how long? This is the question that needs to be asked. And only you can answer it, because only you know the reality of the situation. Are there children involved in this potentially life changing experience? How long has the situation been like it is? Will the other person look at their part in the relationship? The courage it takes to speak up can literally take some people years. Adjusting to this change is not so easy. Often people choose not to be willing to speak up, therefore remain in unhappy relationships for years and years. And other times people are willing to stay until the right time presents itself and they trust the process and the timing of life.

Now willingness to change YOU, this is the biggest challenge of all. Again, you and only you know you. To be open to changing yourself can be life altering for sure. How willing are you to change? Most of us are not very willing to change much until we are in a lot of pain either emotionally, physically or both. Being willing to change who we are takes more courage than I can even write about. I commend those that choose to be open to the world and the messages that get presented along their path, and welcome the opportunity to be willing to change themselves for the better.

I have had several opportunities both in my personal life and at work recently that were not comfortable, but I was willing to be open to change. I have an amazing network of friends that were there to listen and be part of my willingness to change and for them I am grateful.

When we know others we become wise, when we know ourselves, we become enlightened.

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Psychotherapy & Natural Medicine at Journey CCS

Posted on May 3, 2012 by duanelaw

Journey CCS is a pioneer in offering Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM) interventions in support of psychotherapy!

Download info here:

Journey CAM brochure exteriorJourney CAM brochure interior

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Mother's Day for the Unmothered Daughter by Renee Miller, PsyD, MFT

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Dr. Renee Miller

With Mother‘s Day quickly approaching, many are thinking of ways to honor their mothers for the love, support, great modeling, understanding, empathy, validation, overall wonderful things that most mothers provide for their children.  Mother‘s Day is one of the highest days for flower and card sales.

For many others, the approach of Mother‘s Day brings about anxiety, resentment, frustration, and a general dis-ease about what will turn out to be a day of doom and gloom.  For these distressed souls, this day marks yet another reminder of the mother they wished they had but didn’t.  It marks yet another reminder of how inauthentic they must be for this day, as they desperately try to find a card that is most suited for the person who birthed them.  None on the shelf seem appropriate, so they choose the most generic so as not to feel bad for “not getting her something.”

As a therapist who specializes in working with the “unmothered daughter”, otherwise known as daughters of borderline mothers (as in borderline personality disorder), I often hear stories of psychologically absent or severely dysfunctional, if not downright abusive mothering experiences.  These daughters often struggle with depression and anxiety as the “day of honoring mothers” approaches.  Many have talked about fantasies they have about creating a line of Mother’s Day cards that appropriately acknowledge the “mothers” they have.  Some have suggested cards with the following sentiments:

“Happy Mother’s Day…(inside) Thanks for donating your womb.  Sorry for the inconvenience.”

“Happy Mother’s Day…(inside) Thanks for teaching me to trust no one…living alone is AWESOME!”

“Happy Mother’s Day…(inside) Thanks for not selling me to goat farmers even though I know you thought about it daily.”

“Happy Mother’s Day…(inside) I am so sorry I ruined your body.  The good news is I ruined mine too, so now we can be twinsies!”

“Happy Mother’s Day…(inside) Thanks…umm…I think…”

I think you get the picture.  The sentiments are often very dark and riddled with sarcasm and satire.  Certainly not anything they would say to their mothers, within earshot anyway, but definitely something they wished they could say.  So instead they live with the dark fantasy.  A dark fantasy to which most other daughters cannot relate.

Nevertheless, daughters of borderline mothers regularly report feeling terrible that they have such dark feelings and thoughts about a day that should be a day of celebration, a day that most of the world seems to celebrate without reservation.  They feel extremely awkward at family events that are built around the borderline matriarch and often wish they had the nerve to say “No thank you,  I have other plans that day,” to invitations for the Mother’s Day gatherings.

It is hard to celebrate when the truth of the matter for these daughters is that their mothers were anything but loving, supportive, great role models, understanding, empathic, validating, or providing just plain good enough mothering that didn’t leave them feeling worthless and loathsome.  Often, they turn this darkness inward, blaming themselves for being “bad” daughters for being unable to happily celebrate their mother on this special day.  Forget the fact that their mothers really have not earned the sentiment beyond birthing them.  Rather, these daughters do what they were trained to do.  That is, they take responsibility for their mother’s bad behavior, poor choices, and overall dysfunctional and unhealthy mothering.

Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder use rage and guilt to manipulate their children.  They project everything they hate most about themselves onto their daughters, expecting their daughters to be perfect containers for their toxic poison. They train them to trust no one, especially their own inner voice.  These mothers train their daughters to not only distrust their inner voice, but to vilify anyone who would try to get close enough to give them a different perspective that does not match their mothers.  Thus these daughters often feel very isolated, very lonely, very misunderstood, and very confused…even among those closest to them (mates, friends, children).  They often report that “no one really gets them” and that if they actually shared their darkest selves with others, the outcome would be exactly as their mothers told them…that no one will love them, care about them, believe them, or stick around.  It is no wonder that this day of honor is so difficult for these unmothered daughters to authentically engage in.

Marion Woodman, a renowned Jungian analyst, who wrote extensively about issues with food and mothering experiences, talks about the idea that when women, who were raised by this particular kind of mother, try to confront their “mother issues,” they often gain weight, or matter.  She talks about the idea that as one is shifting their perspective of their relationship with their “Mater” (latin for Mother), they can feel “mater less” or “matter less” and thus gain matter (weight) to ground their souls back into their bodies.  Imagine a Mother’s Day card expressing appropriate sentiment for that!

One of the common themes among daughters of borderline mothers is the idea of feeling starved…starved for attention, affection, acceptance, acknowledgement, and attunement.  This feeling typically translates into behaviors that can be very destructive, whether physically, financially, sexually, or psychologically.

Daughters of borderline mothers, with whom I have had the honor and privilege of joining in their healing journey, have shared how they go about starving themselves.  Sometimes it is in the form of actually starving themselves of food, sometimes consciously, but usually unconsciously.  They report that they can go hours without food before realizing how very hungry they are.  They are not able to really track what happened throughout the day that caused them to overlook the fact that they needed to eat.  Sometimes it is in the form of starving themselves of what is good for them, such as healthy food, healthy people, healthy spending behaviors, restful sleep, creative outlets.  They share that they have no problem poisoning themselves with bad food, unhealthy people, lack of sleep, destructive spending habits, drugs and other addictive behaviors.  They share that even though they don’t want the poison, they don’t know how to say no to it.  So they say “yes” to the bad and “no” to the good.

These are the thoughts that plague them as Mother’s Day approaches.  It is no wonder they feel conflicted about how to celebrate it.

If you are an unmothered daughter, know that you are not alone.  There are others who share your plight.  Perhaps you will see them standing next to you in the Mother’s Day card section, the day before Mother’s Day looking perplexed because every card they pick out just doesn’t work, and it isn’t because all the best ones have been picked through and purchased…it is because they, like you, put off the inevitable to the very last moment.   They, like you, are hoping against hope that what’s left on the shelf will be all the generic cards left behind by those whose mothers can be celebrated with great honor, making the selection process less painful and obvious.

If you are an unmothered daughter and want this to be the last Mother’s Day for which you feel guilty and ashamed because you have decided that you want to explore and heal your mother wounds, then you have come to the right place.

I am passionate about working with unmothered daughters who want to develop a healthy inner mother model so that they can begin to mother themselves in a more loving, validating, supportive way.  If are ready to begin this journey with someone who really “gets it”, please call (714-296-8052) or email me (DrMiller@DrReneeMiller.com) to schedule an appointment.  Let this be the year that you choose to honor your inner mother, who wants only good things for her inner child, on Mother’s Day.

 

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Therapy For Those Who Feel Stuck by Dr. Paul True, PsyD, MFT | unstuck

Posted on May 2, 2012 by paultrue

Wheel of Fortune TarotThere are times in life in which everything seems quite stuck.  We may feel mired in a situation from which we can neither extricate ourselves or within which we cannot go forward. Things seem to be at a standstill.  It might be all right if that standstill were a kind of space and time for “taking a breather,” as we say, or a peaceful pause between times of great activity.  But often this standstill is marked by a repeating of troublesome or distressing elements or situations that seem to endlessly recur.  And the more we desire to be free of this cycle, and the harder we try to change, the more stubbornly inert it becomes, continuing to cycle as if on its own accord and without reference to our desire to move beyond it.

I hear these kinds of phrases often from my clients when they first come in to see me. “I want to get beyond it/get past it/move on from it etc.”  And they come to see me precisely because their intent is thwarted by the recurrence of the same cycle of discord or disappointment.  It may have to do with an outer situation, such as being in a dead-end job, or facing constant crises both small and great.  It often has to do with relationship, a frustration and weariness at a never-ending repetition of criticism and argument from a partner or a parent.  Or it may have to do with a constant recurrence of  symptoms – such as recurring anxieties, angry outbursts, lack of interest or energy, or crying spells.  None of the methods employed by the individual seem to work, except in the most temporary way.  The problem situation crescendos into a crisis, there is some sort of blow-up or discordant episode, followed by remorse and resolution to never do that bad thing again, and then the inevitable drift into a state of tension resulting in the repetition of the unwanted thing.

Well, why can’t we just simply will ourselves to be different, or to act differently? This also becomes a matter for frustration, for our achievement-driven culture generally gives us the message of unconditioned ability to reach any goal we set for ourselves.  To the degree we cannot do this, we become despondent and self-critical.  Our self-confidence takes a nose-dive, and we berate ourselves mercilessly for our supposed impotence and stupidity.  Our sense of being somehow punished for something we don’t quite understand breeds anger and resentment, matched only by an ever-increasing sense that we must somehow be very bad to be constantly in such a pass.

The presence of self-criticism, relentless and merciless as it can be, indicates that there is an inner obstacle to breaking free of the repetition of immobility.  That obstacle may appear to be outer, in the words and actions of others, and these incidents give occasion to the sort of negative evaluation of ourselves that so plagues us.  The outer circumstances are very often highly conditioned by our inner multiplicity, however.  What we encounter in others, and what is most irritating or bothersome in their behavior,  can be taken as a sign of what we most devalue and hate within ourselves.  This is what is known as projection, an unconscious process that does not cease as long as it remains unconscious. The good news is, that as soon as we become  conscious of what we are projecting, the projection ceases.  This is the first step towards breaking the cycle of endless repetition of suffering.

The inner critic, a voice that comments on our thoughts and emotions and behaviors as if it were a never-ending Greek chorus of derision, is perhaps the chief representative of our inner family, so to speak, and the nearest and most explicit evidence that, within each of us, we are not alone.  The conscious personality – what we call the ego, the sense of “I” – is a center of awareness that coexists with other identities within the psyche, sometimes called sub-personalities or part-personalities.  When we say something like, “I was so angry with myself,” we automatically are talking about two parts – the one that is angry, and the one to whom that anger is directed.  As long as we believe that these two are the same person, we stay stuck in a cycle of waxing and waning self-criticism.  Relief begins to come when we realize that the inner critic is a separate voice not identical with the ego, that it is partly the encoded messages of parents, family or environment, and partly related to a deeper part of ourselves that seems to function is such a way as a stimulus to …

How does therapy help with the immobility of repetition?

  • The first is to recognize the difference between your own voice and the “foreign installation,” as we might call it, and to not see the critical voice as wholly your own.  To identify the critical voice within yourself is to be in a constant state of tension and inner division,  and to be working with an essentially unsolvable problem.
  • The second is to begin to recognize what it is in others that you dislike most in yourself – to bring awareness of what we call shadow issues, what you have consciously rejected but is still part of you.
  • The third is to engage in a radical self-acceptance.  Everything you are, good bad ugly beautiful, is present within you and can potentially come forward at any time.  The problem parts will act on their own unless you consciously and deliberately own them.  Only by doing so can they be brought into a relationship with your core identity and self,  and be made subject to your sense of values.  Without a deliberate inclusion of them in your inner family, they get to be bratty and truculent children who delight in teasing and tormenting you.  Once they are accepted, they seem to readily submit themselves to an inner order, to the boundaries-rules-limitations necessary for both inner and outer peace.
  • The fourth is – ironically – to reduce your sense of self-importance.  When we give up our rather normal inflation we begin to see life realistically.  Inflation can be either positive or negative, either an unwarranted sense of superiority or an overdeveloped sense of inferiority.  Both place an undue importance on the ego.  Neither takes account of the complexity and mystery of both our outer and inner worlds.  To drop the belief that we should somehow be able to overcome everything by an act of will, and then to think ourselves irreparably defective because we can’t, is to attain something akin to humility.  And humility is the essence of genuine self-worth.

Therapy can help to bring about these changes in perspective, both by technique  and practice, and by the full acceptance of who you are, without judgment, by your therapist.  To be fully listened to by another person has enormous healing power in itself.  Nevertheless, the changes to be made, though simple in outline, are difficult to implement.  Achieving a quiet heart and an observant attitude is a high accomplishment – but it is within our power – all of us – to do this.  Getting unstuck from the round of endless repetition of frustration is not only deeply meaningful, but a very great delight.

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Want Out of the Doghouse?

Posted on May 1, 2012 by markmcvicker

Guys can end up in the doghouse all the time and often don’t know why. We can tend to be clueless that way. Our women say, “You just don’t get it!” Well, we don’t, but it’s not always entirely our fault. Our partners may not realize it, but they are also a part of the dance that is going on when there is conflict. The issue may seem like it’s just about the two of you, but it can often go back to damage that was done much earlier in life. Unfortunately, the guy pays for it now as he sleeps in doghouse. Hey, even the dog doesn’t like that. He wants his pad back to himself!

One of the sources of conflict is the “hidden agendas” or wounds we all bring into our relationships without ever knowing it. These are agendas having to do with damage that was done to us in childhood that we are not aware of yet, but it keeps causing havoc in our adult relationships.

For example, I had one couple in therapy (I’ll call them Ella and Kory) who were on the verge of divorce. One constant theme in their marriage was that Ella needed more space and Kory needed more connection and closeness (btw, these needs are often reversed, too, between the man and woman). Ella felt she couldn’t do anything on her own, like go out with her girlfriends, read in the other room, or get time alone to work on her new side business. Kory would cling to her and saying things like, “Why don’t you come to bed and cuddle with me, I haven’t seen you all week.” To her, this felt suffocating, like she couldn’t breathe and was ready to run from the marriage.

Kory talked about how his wife was always on the computer, constantly on Facebook, or barely finishing her last bite at the dinner table and running off to work on her business. Or sweep some more. Anything, instead of just hanging out and talking to him. Although he loved her, he felt she could be icy and disconnected at times. If he would try to tell her this it would drive Ella away even further. To Kory, it often felt like she was on verge of leaving him, and didn’t love him enough. He thought he had a cold fish for a wife.

So, who was right?

Well, they both were, in a way. They didn’t know it, but they were both trying to work out the damage that was done to them from their parents, but they didn’t know how to do it. Ella had a mom that was intensely clingy and would call her eight times a day about nothing. She had spent her childhood with an overwhelming and suffocating mom and needed space. So, interestingly, whom does she pick for a husband? A man who needs closeness and clings to her way too much.

It turned out that Kory had a cold, disconnected mom who didn’t even really want to have a child. He was a “mistake.” So, Kory never felt the hugs, closeness and nurturing every child needs. And whom does he pick? A wife who needs a lot of space.

Part of therapy is to just be aware of what happened to us as children in a new way. Then to work through these wounds with a skilled guide. The cosmic joke is that if we don’t work this stuff out, we just keep picking the same person in a different form in our next relationships, but we don’t recognize them first. But at some point, the same problems start resurfacing. Or new issues that stem from other wounds from childhood. The dance starts over again. And someone ends up in the doghouse!

If you would like continue this discussion and tell me your story, I would love to hear it. You can contact me any time.

Mark McVicker, MEd, MA, MFT
The Doghouse Therapist.
714-222-8196

Mark McVicker in a therapist in private practice in Irvine, California and is currently accepting new clients. He can be reached by telephone at (714) 222-8196, by email at mcv1919@mindspring.com.
Mr. McVicker is registered with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist #50534 and is employed by Dr. Renee Miller, LMFT #43207 at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services at 18023 Sky Park Cir., Suite G, Irvine, CA.

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Just A Thought by Karen Weaver, MFTI

Posted on May 1, 2012 by karenweaver

Just a thought
Are you overwhelmed by obsessive thoughts, caught off guard by negative thoughts? Do you wish you could get out of the loop of those thoughts that make you feel anxious, scared, worried, depressed and hopeless? You can!
Thoughts come and go without us helping them at all. Trying to get our thoughts to go away or stop never seems to work. Sometimes it even seems to make them worse. We cannot control our thoughts, but we believe we can. How many times have you hear or said to yourself “stop worrying”, don’t think about it” or something similar? In reality, trying to not think about something focuses our attention on what we are trying not to think about. For example, if I tell you don’t think about that pink elephant behind you, what are you thinking about? Every time I tell you to stop thinking about it or you tell yourself to stop thinking about it… what happens? Still thinking about that pink elephant? I thought so.
So what are we supposed to do with those annoying thoughts that interfere with our lives? The key to stopping those annoying thoughts is to recognize that thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t always reflect the truth (I am going to win the lottery) and they don’t always dictate our behaviors (I still gave that speech despite those worrying thoughts). Our obsessive or anxious thoughts reflect our fears and reflect what we are trying to avoid. This often leads to a negative cycle by listening to the thoughts and then feeling guilty because we reacted to them.
Here are some easy guidelines for remembering a that thought is just a thought:
• Recognize the thoughts that trouble you and cause you pain, worry or hold you back.
• Acknowledge them, thank them for showing up, tell them they are interesting. “Thank you thought for reminding me to worry.”
• Invite them to stay or go. “Thought, feel free to stay here next to me, or you may leave.”
• Move forward with that thought. Remember, it’s just a thought and doesn’t have to determine your behavior. “Okay, so you are staying, great. Let’s go!”
As you recognize the thought, acknowledge it and invite it to stay or go, you are stopping the cycle of obsessing. Realize you can move forward. Thoughts don’t have to stop you. Moving forward will give you a sense of accomplishment and power over those thoughts. The next time that thought shows up it will be easier to move forward while still having that thought. After a while, that thought will be a thing of the past.
Karen Weaver is a Marriage and Family Intern with Journey Coaching and Counseling in Irvine. If you would like more help with learning to live with worrisome thoughts, you can contact her at karenweaver@journeyccs.com

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Losing My Religion: getting through the trauma of leaving your religion by Rose Rigole

Posted on April 30, 2012 by roserigole

Losing My ReligionThere comes a time in many people’s lives when the religion of their birth no longer works for them.  Whether it is a philosophical or ethical decision, an excommunication or family issue – leaving a religion can be one of the most traumatic experiences of life.

This is especially true of religions that are fairly closed and insular, such as the Jehovah’s Witnesses or the LDS church.  Studies have shown that leaving these “high-cost” or “new religious movement” religions frequently coincides with poorer health (Scheitle & Adamczyk, 2010), familial breakups, loss of trust in social institutions, and a short-term drop in faith (Buxant & Saraglou, 2008).  A member who leaves the fold may be faced with pressure from family and friends who remain active.  Their spouse may divorce them.  They may suddenly find themselves without the tight support network, religious position, sense of identity, and underlying faith that may have defined them in the past.

If you are going through this now, you already know the bad news.  Here is the good news:  Despite these traumatic experiences, research does show that ex-members tend to re-adapt to life, and that many of the destructive effects of leaving a religion are only short-term (Buxant & Saraglou, 2008).

So  - what can you do to get through this transition period before you feel comfortable in a spiritual belief system that is authentically yours?

Here are some ideas:

  • Make and contact some friends outside of your religion who may serve as a stable base for you during this time
  • Confide in someone how you are feeling and thinking.  If you are worried that your friend or family member will retaliate, try speaking with a therapist who is not an active member of the religion you are leaving
  • Keep a journal to get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto paper
  • Do some soul-searching to discover what your deeper values are (see my article on Valor), and realize that those are coming with you
  • Find a support group or listserve for people who have left the same religion or another like it
  • Get physical.  Sometimes, getting more exercise, feeling the sun on your skin, getting a massage, or doing mindfulness meditation can help get out of your head and back in touch with your body
  • Expect a “change back” reaction from your friends and family.  They are used to your being a part of their group, and it is natural for them to consciously or unconsciously amp up manipulations that have been successful in the past in order to bring you back into the fold.  If you expect this, they will be easier to spot and address
  • Draw and maintain boundaries with your loved ones – you are entitled to pursue your own meaning and spirituality.  You are also entitled to the same amount of respect for your choices as you give your loved ones for theirs.  You will feel very illegitimate and vulnerable at first, but holding your boundaries will become much more natural and intuitive with time
  • Tolerate ambiguity.  Realize that you do not need to come up with an alternative philosophy/faith that addresses all of the problems you had with your old one.  You do not need to know all of the right answers to know that some are wrong.  The point is to move in the right direction

Rose Rigole is a psychotherapist in private practice in Irvine, California and is currently accepting new clients. She can be reached by telephone at (424) 571-2273, by email at rose@counselingsocal.com, or via her website at http://www.counselingsocal.com.

Ms. Rigole is registered with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern #64370 and is employed and supervised by Dr. Renee Miller, LMFT #43207 at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services at 18023 Sky Park Cir., Suite G, Irvine, CA.

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Finding Your Balance In Bereavement by Marnee Reiley | Grief

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Marnee Reiley

 

 

When a loved one dies, it can feel like life is turned upside down.  A significant loss has a way of making us question our own place in the world and wonder how, and if, we’ll ever regain our equilibrium.  Here are some ways to stay balanced during times of grief, when it seems the ground is shifting under your feet.

 

1.  Reconnect with your passions. 
When we’re feeling down, it can be hard to muster up the energy to do the things that we’ve always loved to do.  Make the choice to reincorporate some of the activities that you know to be a tried-and-true source of pleasure.  What about finishing that colorful scarf you’d been excited to start knitting?  Perhaps it’s time to take advantage of spring’s arrival by planting some bright blooms in your garden.  Maybe this weekend you can check out that local farmers’ market you’ve been meaning to explore.  Set aside some time to dedicate to revel in what brings you joy, whatever that may be.

2.  Rely on others.
It’s often the case that we want to isolate when grief becomes overwhelming.  We don’t want to burden others with our pain, and so we shut ourselves off from our friends and family.  Remember the old adage:  “Joy shared is joy doubled; a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”  By reaching out to others, we allow them the gift of giving to us by being a witness to our pain.  We are comforted by the knowledge that as lonely as grief can feel, we are not alone; we have those in our lives who want to support us, not only in happy times but in tough times, as well.

3.  Double-up on self-care.
Before the death of your loved one, you might have been pretty good about eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly.  Have these healthy lifestyle habits started to slip a bit?  Now’s the time, more than ever before, to consciously nurture yourself.  Self-care doesn’t end with the physical, though.  Your self-talk plays an important role.   What are you saying to yourself?  Are you mentally beating yourself up for having feelings of guilt, anger and overwhelm?  Be mindful of any self-criticism that might sap your energy and rob you of self-esteem.  Your feelings are valid, and emotions during times of grief can run the gamut.  Treat yourself the way you’d like others to treat you: with kindness, patience, humor, and love.

4.  Consider professional support. 
Grief is not pathological.  It is a normal, largely universal, process that most of us face at various points in our lives.  Although the loss will remain, the acute pain will lessen with time.  Although this is a natural process, some people benefit greatly by obtaining additional support through their grief.  They might attend a grief support group, or seek out individual therapy for help on working through the feelings brought about by the loss.

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How Sugar Almost Did Me In by Duane Law, LAc

Posted on April 2, 2012 by duanelaw

My path to a healing career began over 35 years ago in the back of a Datsun station wagon. I’d driven deep into a northern California forest armed with a vacuum cleaner hose, duct tape, a cardboard box, a knife and a bottle of tequila.

Financial hardship had forced me out of college and into the back of the station wagon. Like a lot of college students, I’d been living on a diet made up largely of cheap, processed carbohydrates. I was deeply depressed. I’d lost my ability to speak except in all but the most routine interactions. I was losing it.

Unbeknownst to me, my brain was swimming in cortisol. It would be years before I finally nailed down the neurochemistry involved; the concept of hypoglycemia was under attack by medical researchers who couldn’t actually find low levels of blood sugar in the people ostensibly suffering from it. (For details on why they couldn’t, check out my Sugar Story video.) And in any event, it would be awhile before I even heard the word.

The upshot: my brain was pumping out enormous quantities of stress hormones in a frantic effort to balance the unnaturally high levels of insulin my pancreas was secreting to control the elevated blood sugar levels stemming from my overindulgence in processed carbs. My soul was in a death spiral.

But all this was still unknown to me at the time. Luckily for me, that bottle of tequila saved me. Instead of gassing myself, I went into a deep sleep. When I woke up in the morning the sun was shining. I decided maybe life was worth another shot after all.

Months later an interesting set of synchronicities led me to Harvey Ross, an early orthomolecular psychiatrist. Under his guidance I stopped consuming all processed carbs, including sugar. After a few more hellish weeks I began climbing out of a deep pit of blackness that I’d been living in since early childhood. I felt better than I’d ever felt before. These days, when kids with shotguns lose it in their high schools, I get it. It’s appalling of course … but I just thank my lucky stars I found Harvey Ross before I found Smith & Wesson.

At the time it astonished me that something so ubiquitous, so generally accepted, so seemingly innocuous as sugar (or its close counterparts, bread & chips) could have had such a powerfully negative influence on my moods. I began wondering what else along those lines had been hidden from me.

It turns out that modern industrialized food creates huge imbalances in our nutrient intakes (Cordain, Eaton et al, 2005.) The issue sits perennially on the fringes of big science. Corporate interests dominate most medical research today. Valiant researchers who have pursued these ideas have sometimes found it the death knell of their careers (The New York Times, April 17, 2011.) As Mark Twain famously put it, “it can be impossible to get someone to understand something when their livelihood depends on their not understanding it.”

My early experience with sugar started me down a path toward becoming one of the first westerners doing acupuncture in the US. But my first love’s always been nutrition. Fortunately there’s a simple nutritional approach that effectively and reliably stops sugar cravings. I’ll discuss all that and more next Tuesday evening, April 10, at 7pm at our free event, Kill Your Sweet Tooth (Before It Kills You.)  This event will be held at the Journey offices at 18023 Sky Park Circle, Ste. G, Irvine, 92614.

Duane Law, LAc is a Naturopathic Healer at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services in Irvine.  If you would like to talk with Duane to discuss how he might assist you in addressing healing from a Naturopathic approach, he can be reached at duanelaw@journeyccs.com.  You can find more info about him at www.journeyccs.com or at naturalstresscare.org.

Posted in ADHD, Anger, Anxiety, counseling, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Groups, Life Coaching, Stress, Teens | Comments Off

The Nature of Motivation

Posted on March 30, 2012 by nandevore

As humans, we are complex beings. We are influenced by multiple factors that directly affect our ability to be motivated. Here is the “short list” of key influencers: People (family, friends, peers), events, our physical and social environments (symbols, input from media, television, music, physical locations where we spend our time), our belief system (parents, school, religion, outside activities), emotion (levels of fear, anger, sadness, high or low self-worth). If you hear someone describe a simple or single solution for tapping into a higher level of motivation, consider the personal interpretation that each human might have with any of the above influencing factors! It may be that there is no single best way to be motivated. Getting more involved and tuned in to your personal approach to motivation may be the most effective path. It may require becoming your own self-agent

Leading researchers, Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan of the University of Rochester, have devoted a large portion of their life’s work to the understanding of human motivation. During the 1970s and 1980s these experts delivered evidence explaining that we are motivated in two ways: Extrinsically and Intrinsically. Extrinsic motivation describes that we are motivated by other people, things, and events. In other words, we are activated by external aspirations. Some common catalysts for external motivation are wealth, fame or recognition, visual attractiveness, and to fit-in or be accepted in a group, and to attain and maintain status. On the flipside, we are also motivated by intrinsic or internal motivation. The top three internal motivators tend to be 1) personal value (what really matters most to you), 2) personal interpretation (how you see yourself), and personal validation (what you do endorses who you are). In our society we are constantly reminded about external motivation. What we have, look like, where or how we are seen by others is what gets us moving. These same researchers and others have determined more recently over the last decade that external motivation tends to be activated by less than positive mechanisms such as control, pressure, and regulation (in the form of punishment and reward). Internal motivation appears to be active when there is autonomy, such as deciding for and doing things for oneself. Another common characteristic of internal motivation is an experience of self-confidence. When people believe they can accomplish their goals, they often do so. People also seem to activate internal motivation when they have social support from others. The personal coaching profession that has emerged over the last 20 years can attest to the idea and practice of social support. The personal coaching market was reported in 2004 to be valued at nearly $1.5 billion by Marketdata Enterprises, Inc., a leading independent market research publisher. External motivation, on the other hand, has faded from importance as part of a meaningful human life experience and been replaced with more emphasis on an internal means of motivation. Ryan and Deci suggested a new model of motivation that is based on self-determination over the external/internal motivation theories of the past.

Self-determination theory focuses on the type more than the amount of motivation possible. Autonomous motivation was often a predictor of one’s performance, ability to relate, and to generate a sense of well-being, according to the research supporting this theory. An idea of self-efficacy and self-agency, researched by Albert Bandura of Stanford University, was also demonstrated and validated by self-determination research findings. The concept of acting as one’s own self-agent appeared to require three basic components. First, autonomy, defined as the act of choosing what you will do. Second, competence, such as feeling assured and capable about what you are doing. Third, relatedness, which is the experience of having close and secure human connections that support your autonomy and competence.

Self-determination is also characterized by mindfulness, the experience of self-awareness, and the deeper knowledge of what is happening both on the inside and around you. Mindfulness is defined as being in the present moment without judgment. Another fascinating discovery regarding self-determination and self-agency is the experience of being self-energized. When true self-motivation occurs, a higher level of exhilaration and self-empowerment occur. The broader message from the research points to the value of becoming the agent of your own life and viewing determination through your own lens of autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Nancy DeVore is a Psychological Assistant supervised by Bruce B Johnston, Psy.D. PSY14156. Nancy specializes in positive psychology and human potential. For more information on self-agency and self-determination contact Nancy at 949-485-2506 or by email at nandevore@journeyccs.com.

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