Make the Most Out of Your Stressful Experiences

Posted on March 29, 2012 by tyrabutler

Transitions can be agonizing and exciting. They can bring about a lot of stress and cause us to question where our lives are headed. If we don’t address the issues that a transition brings about, we can unnecessarily put ourselves at risk for a variety of health problems, both now and in the future.
Why is that?
The first reason is that we often look at a transition in our life, whether a personal or work-related one, simply as a change we are making or going through, instead of viewing the time as an opportunity to redefine ourselves, grow and make any needed course corrections. William Bridges, in a book called Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. explains the important difference between change and transition when he writes:
Our society confuses them constantly, leading us to imagine that transition is just another word for change. But it isn’t…Change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. It is not those events, but rather the inner re-orientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, that change doesn’t work, because it doesn’t ‘take.’
I suspect that if you are like me, you prepare for lots of changes in your lives and the lives of your family members. But we may come up short in thinking how to best prepare for the transitions that those changes bring about; and we also may struggle with how to make the most of the transitional time in our life. For example:
• As parents, you may talk to your kids about the change of moving from high school into college, yet don’t properly prepare them for the transition that awaits them. Change is going to college. But the transition involves tasks like learning to deal with peer pressure, self-managing projects at school and taking responsibility for one’s actions.
• As an individual, you may decide to break up with our partner. We think about the change that divorce, or a break up, brings about in our lives, but we don’t necessarily address the transition we will encounter. Change is the divorce or break up itself. But transition encapsulates the emotions that one might experience of feeling unloved and the disorientation of the changes.
Understanding the difference between change and transition—and how to best face it—could save your life
It is in the transition, and in those in-between spaces, where we experience anxiety. It comes on without us even knowing it, and when it is not faced, that anxiety can often lead to a lot of other issues in our lives, such as depression, anger, isolation, work problems, relationship conflict, and at worst case, even suicide.
The good news for us is that we are resilient people, and can handle these transitions with the proper support and structure in our lives. The reality is that we are continually journeying through life as we move on and face new challenges. This journey through life is often one filled with nervousness and moments of despair, but key moments in life have the power to make us stronger, build our character, and renew our hope, as we explore our experiences and begin to learn the lessons we need to learn. It can also be a time for healing and growth.
Another helpful way to frame the idea of transitions and the anxiety that accompanies it is through a paradigm about how our journey is embodied by a steady movement from orientation, to disorientation, to new orientation.
If we look at a college student for a moment we can see that he or she has moved from a place of orientation (high school: where she experienced security in knowing) to disorientation (entering college: insecurity in not knowing), and will hopefully find a new orientation (life purpose that is anchored in a new direction) as she faces her anxiety and navigates through this transition.
I am best helped by the imagery of walking through the wilderness of life, similar to “journeying by stages”. This idea of journeying by stages seems to explain the transition process well. The change is the movement from one stage to the next, but the transition is all that accompanies that journey between two places…fear, insecurity, lack of trust, disconnection, etc. And when we find ourselves between two stages of our journey, there is a great sense of anxiety in our lives as we have to decide whether or not to deal with the disorientation the journey has thrust upon us.
Strategies for Journeying Through Anxiety
Strategy #1:Talk About It
You might be amazed by how helpful it is to simply talk about your anxiety. My own experience as a therapist has reminded me just how big of a deficit there is in our understanding and expression of our emotions. Talking about our feelings, especially anxiety, helps us better understand how we feel, as well as connecting us with another person. As we connect with the listener it has the power of helping us not feel so alone. This is where a counselor can step in and help guide you through the array of your emotions and thoughts, so you can make sense of your experience and make wise choices.
Strategy #2: Ask Questions & Listen
Anxiety can be a catalyst for growth in our lives, and if we stay attuned, we can learn from it. But it’s hard to know what our anxiety is trying to communicate to us and what we should do with our anxiety if we can’t listen. This is how talking it over with someone can help you uncover the meaning and lessons.
Strategy #3: Co-Create Meaning
During times of transition, some core questions about our existence may start to come to the forefront. Questions such as, “Who am I? What am I to do? How am I to be loved?” and “How do I become all that I have been created to be?” may resound in some form or another in our minds. These are foundational questions to ask oneself and can be addressed well in a therapeutic setting. It is important to give yourself time to reflect on these essential questions in life at various stages in our lives.
Strategy #4: Practice Self-Care
Caring for ourselves is often one of the most difficult things we can learn. I have been learning my own model for self-care, as well as guiding others to discover what that means for them. One of the ways I take care of myself is to take care of my heart, soul, strength and mind. This means I stay attuned to my spiritual well-being, matters of the heart, and anything I may be struggling with in my emotions or my thoughts.
If I don’t take care of myself, I wonder if I am really showing love to myself, which ultimately leads me to a place of not being able to love others. When I am filled up, I can help fill up others. Someone who doesn’t practice self-care has little to offer anyone else, and they can become an empty well. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
• What is one thing I can experiment with this month that is about my heart (heart=emotional/relational connection)? Maybe it’s a date night, or family game night, or coffee with a friend.
• What is one thing I can experiment with this month that is about my soul (soul=spiritual connection)? Maybe it’s reading a devotional, time in prayer, or sitting in silence.
• What is one thing I can experiment with this month that is about my strength (strength=physical/health)? Maybe it’s running, going for a walk, or eating healthy.
• What is one thing I can experiment with this month that is about my mind (mind=intellect)? Maybe it’s a hobby, or reading a book, or a deep conversation with a friend.
As we journey through life, we are going to experience changes that thrust us into a myriad of expected and unexpected transitions. But in those transitions when anxiety is most acute, we can practice some healthy strategies that allow us to use our anxiety so that it can be transformed for positive growth in our lives and the lives of those we love.
If you’d like to talk to someone about a change or transition in your life, I’d like to talk with you. Please call me at (949) 292-2923 and visit me at www.occounselingforwomen.com. Tyra Butler is a Marriage and Family Therapist intern (awaiting registration number) employed and supervised by Dr. Renee Miller, PsyD, MFT at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services.

Tyra specializes in life transitions, women’s and couples issues, as well as stress and depression, addictions, eating disorders and work and relationship issues.

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What does Springtime mean to you? by Dr. Renee Miller

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Dr. Renee Miller

depression liftingSpringtime signals a time for renewal, rebirth, new love, and best of all, spring-cleaning.  Birds singing in the morning and crickets chirping at night usually signals to me that “Spring is in the air.”

For some, Spring signals a time to put away our winter coats, which can mean “literal” coats, or that extra “coat” some of us gained over the holidays.  Tax season, which occurs in the spring, requires that we look at “cleaning up” our spending habits.  New summer fashions require us to look at “ cleaning up” our eating and exercise habits.  For some, the end of winter means the beginning of feeling better emotionally, as some struggle with depression during the winter months.

Mythologically speaking, Spring was the time that Persephone emerged from the underworld, happy to be reunited with her mother, Demeter.  As a result, life would once again be experienced on the “topside.”  To the mortals, it meant that Demeter would allow the earth to prosper during her time with her daughter.  This was a time of renewal, when the long winter months, during which the earth “died”, were over and the earth was “reborn” in celebration of Persephone’s return.

Regardless of what Spring means for you, Springtime signals for most a time to make some long overdue changes.  Springtime can be a time when people feel an energy shift after a long winter period…a time for rebirth after a long period of lifelessness.

renewal

If you are feeling the energy shift and would like to explore how this new burst of energy can best be utilized to usher in a renewal of the Self, a growth cycle that leads to a more Authentic way of being and living, give us a call.  One of our journey therapists would be happy to assist you as you look at those areas, whether individual- or relationship-oriented, that are in need of a good Spring cleaning!

Check out our list of therapists at www.journeyccs.com or email Dr. Miller at reneemiller@journeyccs.com to schedule an appointment.

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Communicate Your Feelings Effectively - in 2 Simple Sentences, by Rose Rigole

Posted on March 28, 2012 by roserigole

When our feelings flare up, we tend to communicate our feelings in the least effective way: we blame, criticize, manipulate, or demand. The problem feels like the OTHER person’s actions, which we view as “causing” our hurt or angry feelings. In that moment, it seems like the only solution to our pain is for the other person to immediately stop, apologize and try to make up for the pain they caused or be punished because of it.

The problem with blaming, criticizing, manipulating or demanding, though, is that people typically react to these by defending their actions or feeling their own pain and counter-attacking. This is exactly the opposite of what we are craving, and maybe increases our pain. Plus – we may now have to address someone else’s pain when we are not even able to contain our own.

So – we up the ante by elaborating on our blame, criticism, manipulations and demands, which may provoke the other person to do the same… on and on we go.

How do we stop this painful cycle? Or better yet – prevent it from happening at all?

Here is a simple two-sentence template that you can use when you get triggered (based on the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life):

When {observable event} happened, I felt {feeling} because I need/value {underlying need that felt unmet or value that felt jeopardized}. Would you be willing to {specific request that person could do in the future}?

The “observable event” should be something objectively observable, rather than an interpretation (e.g., “you rolled your eyes” NOT “you dismissed me”). Remember that you don’t want to get bogged down in whether your interpretation of the other person’s actions were correct. This can derail your efforts to get a good response.

The “feeling” should be something that is an actual feeling, rather than a judgment or interpretation (e.g., “I felt sad” NOT “I felt like you did not love me”). Sometimes, it is hard to separate our actual feelings from our interpretation of the other person’s actions. Generally, if you say you “feel that…” “feel as if…” or “feel like…”, those are judgments or interpretations, and they are more likely to generate defenses from the person you are speaking with, rather than what you are looking for.

The “need/value” that underlies the feelings may not be obvious, but do your best. Try to state this need or value in the broadest sense that is not specific to the other person. For example, you can say “because I need to feel understood”, rather than “because I need you to listen to me.” The first will be heard as something personal and legitimate. The second may be heard as a criticism of the other person’s actions.

Finally, the “request” is ideally something specific, time-limited, and easily done. This is often forgotten in our communication because we feel like our request is obvious from our complaint. It is important to let the person know what they can do that will address our feelings. This is something positive they can do and is, after all, what we are really looking for in our communication. Be prepared for a “no,” if that particular solution does not work for them, but you can also invite them to suggest something that would work for them. Remember that you are requesting something from someone else, and they are free to make up their own mind about what they are willing to do.

Good luck!

Rose Rigole is a psychotherapist in private practice in Irvine, California, and is currently accepting new clients. She can be reached by telephone at (424) 571-2273, by email at rose@counselingsocal.com, or via her website at http://www.counselingsocal.com.

Ms. Rigole is registered with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern #64370 and is employed and supervised by Dr. Renee Miller, LMFT #43207 at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services at 18023 Sky Park Cir., Suite G, Irvine, CA.

 

 

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Nutrition Against Dementia (Part Two)

Posted on March 26, 2012 by duanelaw

More Micronutrients for the Brain

Whenever I think about the way chronic low grade inflammation affects the brain, I’m reminded of that old chestnut, “good fences make good neighbors.”

Neuronal cell walls serve essentially the same function as a good fence, or maybe a little better, a good wall. They keep what we want to keep out out, and what we want to keep in, in. And this lets us get things done … like make a home.

Inflammation chews away at our cell walls like termites chewing through a wood wall. We might not notice anything at first. But eventually doors start to stick and cracks appear in the woodwork. Left to themselves those cracks become holes. No one with better options wants to live in a house with holes in the walls. Yet when we expose ourselves to large quantities of pro-oxidant free radicals, or if we neglect our anti-oxidant consumption, that’s essentially what we’re doing to our brains. If one’s paying attention, one may notice it or not. But there’s a somewhat better chance that those around us will.

So what, then, is there to be done?

The first thing to realize is that, in the medical research world, this is cutting-edge stuff. So we can expect over the next few years to see pharmaceutical-industry funded studies in the press “debunking” these ideas. The problem is … different combinations of pro-oxidants attack us from many different directions depending upon our lifestyles, and our bodies succumb or protect us in idiosyncratic ways. Attempts to address this issue with small or even large doses of one or two anti-oxidants, with no corresponding change in habits, are unlikely to be enough to alter the picture substantially. And using large doses of concentrated nutrients sometimes doesn’t work … typically better to use lower doses of a broad spectrum of nutrients as a general rule.

The next thing to do is become aware of the things in our environment that can oxidize us, and reduce our exposure. Air pollution is oxidizing … one might want to consider getting an air filter if one lives close to a freeway or in a community where pollutant levels are high. Many common pesticides and industrial chemicals are oxidizers … this is why those of us who eat organic food and use organic cleaners do so. Deep fried food is oxidizing because the oils are usually rancid. Cigarettes and alcohol, too. And addictive, allergic eating patterns … the kind that have us eating the same foods compulsively over and over again … especially when we’re stressed … can also create low-grade, chronic inflammation in sensitive individuals.

It’s a good idea to increase anti-oxidant consumption. The scientific evidence supporting this approach is still weak but growing. (I’m working on an online video course on this at the time of this writing; I’ll let you know a little later this year when it’s ready for public consumption.) But judging from the available evidence and my own clinical experience, if one wants to preserve one’s mind as one grows older it’s wise to get in the habit of eating lots of brightly colored fruits and vegetables. These are rich sources of bioflavonoids and carotenoids … thousands of anti-oxidant chemicals with a rich diversity of roles in the body.

And then I think it’s a good idea to back up that rich dietary intake of anti-oxidants with plenty of supplemental vitamin C, E, beta-carotene (unless one’s a smoker) and … especially .. alpha-lipoic acid.

Why alpha-lipoic acid? What is alpha lipoic acid?

Alpha-lipoic acid is a specialized anti-oxidant that preferentially preserves and helps in the repair of mitochondrial DNA. It’s been used in Germany to treat diabetic neuropathy for more than a generation … a disease characterized by a degradation of the metabolism-controlling DNA in our cells’ mitochondria. And mitochondria is where our cells generate their energy.

This is one of the hottest areas in dementia research these days … tracking down relationships between a progressive loss of our brain cells’ ability to generate energy in the mitochondria, and the progression of various forms of dementia. Degradation of mitochondrial DNA has also been implicated in rapid aging. So it makes sense to me to take a little extra alpha-lipoic acid. I consider it a form of insurance.

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Nutrition Against Dementia (Part One)

Posted on March 8, 2012 by duanelaw
 

Some years back, one evening my mother came to me quite upset. She was concerned that my father, who’d lost his own mother to Alzheimer’s, was becoming more and more forgetful.

My dad, then in his late 70s, had been quite the tinkerer in his day. He’d always had some project going. When I was a kid there’d be days when I’d come home to find the washing machine half-disassembled in the hall … dad out searching for parts. He was the kind of guy who did his own tune-ups. He installed his own lawn plumbing.

But lately he’d taken to taking long naps. Things weren’t getting fixed around the house. He seemed to be on a downhill slope that meds weren’t addressing. Mom was concerned.

First I got him taking the Basic Four Micronutrients. These four products, available in any good health food store (but not, interestingly, Whole Foods) resupply crucial elements research has demonstrated are missing in adequate amounts in our food today. Who eats five servings of vegetables each and every day?

Then I suggested three more advanced micronutrients: lecithin, CDP-choline, and phosphatidylserine (PS.)

Lecithin is the raw material from which the brain makes acetylcholine, the neurotransmitter of cognition. Not enough acetylcholine and we can’t think straight. Lecithin has a side effect that makes it even more attractive in a case like my dad’s … it binds with cholesterol and carries it to the liver for elimination. (Atherosclerotic plaques made of oxidized cholesterol can build up and impair blood circulation in the brain, another slow contributor to dementia.)

CDP-choline is another acetylcholine precursor. It’s pricier than lecithin but as it’s further along the metabolic chain it’s a more efficient way to go. I was covering my bases.

Now acetylcholine is also involved in stimulating muscle contraction. So as my dad started on these supplements, I kept a close eye on things. I wanted in particular to make sure that he didn’t start having any muscle twitches … a possible sign of too much acetylcholine.

Phosphatidylserine (PS) helps support healthy neuronal membranes. This is important because cell membranes control what gets into and out of each neuron … and that has a lot to do with what goes on inside the neuron. Dementia appears in some cases to be a low- to medium-grade inflammatory disease. And inflammation slowly sandblasts cell membranes into uselessness.

This could explain some cases of dementia … the brain slowly oxidizing and rotting away like a piece of cheese left out and forgotten on the counter. More on this next time.

So … dad starts on his new nutrients. Sure enough … within a week the naps had lessened considerably.

And the week after … the report was that things were starting to get fixed again.

That was about ten years ago. Today my father steps a little slower, but his gaze is still clear. He’s taking afternoon naps again, but not like before.

Important note: My dad started taking his nutrients before things had progressed very far. It’s much easier to prevent degenerative disease than it is to repair it.

Studies on nutrition for dementia have shown few positive results. That may be because researchers prefer for technical reasons to alter only one or a few variables at a time when they do their work. At times they’ll dose folks with one or at most a few individual nutrients … at other times they’ll measure or estimate their intake … while it typically takes a rich mix of missing nutrients to create a marked positive response.


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Help! My Parents Are Divorcing.

Posted on February 29, 2012 by karenweaver

Help!
My Parents Are Divorcing!
Making the decision to divorce is a painful process. We agonize whether we are making the right choice, how we will cope, what the future will hold. If we have children, we worry about how our decision will affect them. We often feel guilty for not maintaining the stability to which they have become accustom.
Parents worry about how their children will react and adjust. Kids can and will adjust well given the proper guidance and support. A parent who understands the intellectual and emotional capabilities of children at different ages can help children process their feelings and develop effective coping skills.
Our childhood shapes who we are as adults and determines our capacity to grow. As we grow and mature, we are not shaped specifically by our experiences, but how we are taught to respond to them and deal with the challenges the changes bring. Divorce has short term effects on everyone. It brings immediate changes in living situations, time spent with parents, new environments and schedules. It also has long term effects on how children learn to handle adversity, change and relationships. By understanding what the children are thinking and feeling, we parents can help them develop the necessary skills to manage their emotions effectively.
In my work with children of divorce and their families, I have outlined 5 areas where parents can interact with their children to ensure a positive outcome.
1. Reassure them it’s not their fault. Never would we blame the divorce on our children, but they often think they had something to do with a parent leaving. This is more common for younger children. Keep letting them know – it was a decision between mom and dad and they did nothing to make the other parent leave. You both still love them and will be involved with them.
2. Label and express their feelings for them. Young children especially have a hard time understanding and expressing feelings. Saying things like, “You are looking mad, are you mad?” “You seem crabby, is something bothering you?” can help children identify their feelings and open conversations.
3. Validate their feelings. We all need to know that it’s okay to feel what we feel. These kids are having a lot of conflicting emotions and they need to know it’s okay. Validating their feelings involves using statements like, “its normal to feel that way”, “a lot of kids feel that way when parents separate”.
4. Encourage positive relationship with both parents. Kids need and want both parents in their lives. It may be hard for you to put aside anger and speak nicely of your ex, but it’s important for your child to feel they can love and spend time with you both.
5. Keep open and honest communication. Letting children know it’s not their fault, that you won’t get back together, and letting them tell you their worries, develop security, communication skills and relationship skills that they need as they grow up.
I hope you can use these tips to help your child grow and develop in the healthiest way possible.
Karen Weaver is passionate about advocating for children. By helping parents understand their children’s thoughts and feelings, she empowers the children to speak up for what they need.
Karen is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern at Journey Coaching and Counseling, in Irvine, CA.
Supervised by Dr. Bruce Johnston PhyD. 14156
To contact her directly: weave109@gmail.com 949.300.1739

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Healing Partnerships by Rose Rigole | partnership

Posted on February 28, 2012 by roserigole

Healing Partnership“A person hasn’t any idea what their soul looks like until they gaze into the eyes of the person that they’re married to. And then, if they’re any kind of decent human being, they spend the next couple of days throwing up. Because no honest person can stand that image.” — Danny DeVito in The Big Kahuna*

OK – It’s a bit overstated, but DeVito was onto something. Outside of a long-term, intimate relationship, we can characterize ourselves to ourselves in whatever way we want.  ”Generous?  Of course I’m generous.  I just haven’t found any good causes lately.”  ”Hard working?  Definitely!  Whenever I need to be.”  Even if we try to be honest with ourselves, it is impossible to see our own blind spots, and what motivation do we have to see them, anyway?

On the flipside, we have plenty of motivation to avoid our blind spots and to paint ourselves in a more positive light.  Ignoring our weaknesses can bump up our ego, boost our confidence and productivity, and convince most people (especially ourselves) that we don’t have those weaknesses.  If someone disagrees, they can easily be argued with, ignored, or cut off… unless, of course, that someone is too important.  This is why our relationships can be excruciatingly hard, but also our key to long-term growth, healing, and true intimacy.

We all go into relationships with hopes of happily ever after.  After the honeymoon period ends, though, our partners may seem especially matched to press our most sensitive buttons, trigger our biggest fears, and reopen our deepest wounds.  They may be.  According to experts such as Harville Hendricks, author of the landmark relationship book, Getting the Love You Want, the partners we are most attracted to frequently have the best and worst characteristics of our childhood caregivers.  Something about them, and unique to them, unconsciously promises to uncover and heal our childhood wounds.  As Hendricks would say, we recognize this “imago match” as if we knew them before. In a way, we did.

Why, then, would we be drawn to someone who also had the worst characteristics of our caregivers?  One possible answer is that we do not want someone to easily give us what we did not have.  We want to convert someone who denies  us what we were missing into someone who gives it to us.  We are unconsciously wanting to re-fight the battle we lost with our caregiver, but we want to win this time.

In the first few years of a committed relationship, we are happy to provide what we sense our partner needs, even if it is not who we truly are.  After a while, though, this mask inevitably comes off, and we begin to see a different side of our partner.  We realize with horror that, not only are they not going to take care of all of our needs, but they can wound us in exactly the same way as our caregivers.   At this “power struggle” stage, experts tell us that most couples give up – either through painfully ending their partnership or looking elsewhere to meet their needs.

It is exactly at this stage, though, that real intimacy and growth can start.  Now that the masks have come down, we can see ourselves in the mirror of our partner.  As DeVito jokes, this mirror can be hard to look at, but it can also be an amazing chance to face those parts of you that you have denied or cut off.  This mirror shows more than just personal characteristics – it also shows us where we were wounded in the past.  The pain you are feeling so acutely did not come from nowhere.  It too is part of you.

No doubt, these will show up again in future relationships, so why not look at them now?  It is also likely that those denied parts of you match up with your partner’s old wounds, and honestly addressing those can also be immensely healing for you and your partner.

So, how does the healing happen?  Surprisingly, it is through healing your partner’s wounds that your own childhood wounds can heal.  Being there for your partner by listening to them express painful feelings and underlying needs, empathizing with them, and trying to address those needs in small ways, can be tremendously healing.  The best part is that a healing, safe partner is also more likely to be there, listen, empathize, and address your needs in the same way.

One tool Hendricks suggests for communicating in this way is called the “Imago Dialogue”.  Try this short exercise with your partner, and see where it takes you:

__________________________________________________________________________________________

IMAGO DIALOGUE

Designate one person to be the talker and one person to be the listener.

The talker mentions something that upset them, in a way similar to the following:

When you said/did ______________ , I felt _______________ ….  If possible, try to stick to “I” statements and avoid “always/never” generalizations and criticism.

Once the talker is done with a short statement, the listener restates (“mirrors”) what the talker said in their own words.

Then, the listener asks, “Is that right?”

If the listener was not right or missed something, the talker clarifies, and the listener restates again until the talker says “Yes, that’s right.”

Then, the listener validates the talker’s point.  This does not mean that the listener agrees with the talker – only that there is a logic in what the talker has said, that it makes sense.

Then, the listener says, “Is there anything else?”

The process continues with mirroring and validating until the talker says that there is nothing more.

Then, the listener tries to empathize with all of what the talker has said.  This can be difficult (especially if some of the comments activated your defenses), so take your time.  Try to see the situation from the talker’s perspective and really imagine what they were feeling.  When you think you get it, let the talker know what you imagine it might be like and how you imagine they might be feeling.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

It will seem very stiff and regimented at first, but practice will make it flow more freely and quickly.

It will also be surprisingly hard to get outside of your own head and reactions during these dialogues.  This exposes how rarely we really do listen to our partners when what they are saying pushes our buttons.  We are thinking of our rebuttal, how their perceptions are wrong, or how hurt we are by what they are saying.  This is why this exercise can be so powerful.  The talker may never had felt truly heard on the topic because it has always been so sensitive to the listener.  To not only feel heard, but validated and empathized with by your imago match can be a truly powerful moment of healing… one of many on the way to a lifelong, intimate partnership.

Rose Rigole is a psychotherapist in private practice in Irvine, California, and is currently accepting new clients. She can be reached by telephone at (424) 571-2273, by email at rose@counselingsocal.com, or via her website at http://www.counselingsocal.com.

Ms. Rigole is registered with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern #64370 and is employed and supervised by Dr. Renee Miller, LMFT #43207 at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services at 18023 Sky Park Cir., Suite G, Irvine, CA.

 

* Quote edited from the original script to be gender-neutral


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Coping with A Loss? Here's Your Bill of Rights. | Grief

Posted on February 15, 2012 by Marnee Reiley

When discussing bereavement and loss with colleagues the other day, I learned of a Bill of Rights for those in grief.  I thought that it was a wonderful way to give ourselves “permission” to grieve and to acknowledge our feelings in times of loss, be it from a death or another loss such as divorce, illness, or other life transition.  I share it here with you in the hopes that you’ll find it meaningful as well.  Is there anything you would add to it?  I invite you to add your comments below.

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD
Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Ft. Collins, Colorado

  1. Experience your own unique grief.  No one will grieve the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t let them tell you how you should be feeling.
  2. Talk about your grief.  Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will let you talk as much as you want, as often as you want.
  3. Feel a multitude of emotions.  You will feel many emotions during your grief journey. Some may tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
  4. Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.  Your feelings of loss and sadness can fatigue you. Respect what your body and mind tell you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into activities you’re not ready for.
  5. Experience grief “attacks”.  Sometimes, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
  6. Make use of ritual.  Rituals do more than acknowledge the death of someone. They provide you with support from caring people, as well as a way to mourn.
  7. Embrace your spirituality.  If faith is a part of your life, express it. Be with people who understand and support your religious beliefs.
  8. Search for meaning.  You may ask, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some questions may have answers, others don’t. Watch for clichéd responses people may give you, like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for”. These sentiments are not helpful, and you do not have to agree with them.
  9. Treasure your memories.  Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a loved one. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
  10. Move toward your grief and heal.  Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient with you. Neither you nor those around you should forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

If you are looking for additional support at this time of loss, please reach out to me at 949-222-6681 to schedule an appointment.

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Three Tips to Avoid Caregiver Burnout by Marnee Reiley

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Marnee Reiley

If you are a caregiver to a family member, let me start off by acknowledging how difficult it can be and how much energy you must be expending just to get yourself and your loved one through the day. While it may be a lonely endeavor, you are actually, not alone. According to a 2009 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP, more than 65 million people, 29% of the U.S. population, provide care for a chronically ill, disabled or aged family member or friend during any given year and spend an average of 20 hours per week providing care for their loved one.

The role of caregiver is often not one that we choose, but is often thrust upon us by circumstance. We are often not prepared for what caregiving entails, and this can lead to feelings of overwhelm and depression.

While there are no easy answers or simple solutions, here are three ways to take care of yourself while taking care of another.

1. Enlist social support.

Asking for help can feel vulnerable. After all, we want to feel like we can handle it all. But going it alone can quickly lead to burnout. Ask friends, family members, and your community for help, and be specific. Depending on the person you’re asking, you might need emotional support, practical assistance such as help picking up prescriptions, caregiving respite, or help gathering information such as local caregiver resources. Keep in mind that others generally feel good about helping and will welcome being given concrete things they can do to support you.

2. Enhance your problem-solving skills.

Research shows that if a caregiver considers him or herself an effective problem-solver, they have a higher level of confidence in their ability to handle issues and complications that might arise; they also have increased ability to monitor their reactions and stress levels. This increase in confidence is linked to caregiver well-being and a decrease in depression. You can increase your problem-solving skills by establishing more streamlined routines and by sharing information with other caregivers.

3. Make time for yourself

Not neglecting your own needs might be the hardest of these suggestions to follow through on. Feelings of guilt are common, and it may seem like there isn’t time in the day. Without taking care of ourselves, however, we have nothing left to give others and we end up harming our own health. Identify what recharges you and make sure you make the time for it on a regular basis. Maybe it’s a yoga class, coffee with a friend, a few hours out of the house. Honor yourself by making your needs a priority.

Is there something that you’ve tried that has worked to decrease caregiver stress? Anything that you’d caution others to avoid? Please add your voice to the conversation by adding a comment to this blog.

If you are a caregiver who would like to find greater balance in your life, call me at 949-222-6681 or email me at YourOCTherapist@gmail.com for an appointment.

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Valor: Find Your Inner Strength

Posted on January 15, 2012 by roserigole

Find your inner strengthMany of my posts emphasize the need for courage to grow as a person: courage to communicate directly with your mate; courage to acknowledge your weaknesses; courage to experience emotions you are afraid of…  But I think I have a better word:  Valor.

We all have a sense of what valor means.  For me, it brings up an image of a firefighter rushing into a burning building to save a child – doing what he knows is right, regardless of the consequences.  It is an image of someone with tremendous strength – not by virtue of skills and muscles, but from rightness of purpose.  Merriam-Webster.com gives the following definition:

Valor: Strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness: personal bravery

Valor is a courage from the deepest part of us.  It does not come from reason alone or what someone else tells us to do.  It is a courage that comes from that part of us that is constant – from that part of us that knows who we are and stands for something that can’t be denied.  Tapping into this part of us can be a source of immense strength, wisdom, and growth.

We all have that strong core, but are we acquainted with it?  Do we tap into it?  Do we trust it enough to rely on it? Are we afraid that we might mess up our dysfunctional lives if we start standing for something?  Think about these questions for a moment.

Step 1: Get (re)acquainted

As a first step to getting acquainted or re-acquainted with that strong core, discover the answers to these questions inside of you:

What do I value most in this life?

Who am I, in my best self?

Resist the temptation to decide the answers to these questions.  The answers should come from your gut – not your brain.  Take as long as you need to.  The answers will come.

Rose Rigole is a psychotherapist in private practice in Irvine, California, and is currently accepting new clients. She can be reached by telephone at (424) 571-2273, by email at rose@counselingsocal.com, or via her website at http://www.counselingsocal.com.

Ms. Rigole is registered with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern #64370 and is employed and supervised by Dr. Renee Miller, LMFT #43207 at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services at 18023 Sky Park Cir., Suite G, Irvine, CA.

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